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Recovering from infidelity isn’t about going back to how things were—it’s about creating something stronger.
“Whether we realize it or not, it is our woundedness, or how we cope with it, that dictates much of our behavior, shapes our social habits, and informs our ways of thinking about the world. … For many of us, it rears its head in our closest partnerships, causing all kinds of relational mischief.”
—Gabor Maté, M.D.
Our earliest experiences of love and connection come from our family of origin. These relationships shape our expectations, behaviors, and even the partners we choose as adults. If you’re recovering from infidelity, understanding these deep-rooted influences can be a crucial step toward healing and rebuilding trust.
In this post, we’ll explore:
- How childhood experiences shape adult relationships
- The role of adolescence in forming identity and relational patterns
- How unconscious family dynamics influence infidelity
- Practical exercises to uncover and heal past wounds
The Impact of Your Family on Your Relationships
Your family of origin provides your first blueprint for love. How you were (or weren’t) cared for affects:
- How you express love
- Who you’re drawn to
- Your expectations in relationships
External influences—like culture, religion, and social circles—also shape your beliefs about love and commitment. But deeper than that, exposure to parental struggles (depression, addiction, trauma) impacts how you interpret and react in relationships.
Reflection Exercise: Exploring Family Dynamics
To better understand how your upbringing affects your current relationship, consider these questions:
1. Family History & Legacy
- What stories did you hear about your parents/grandparents?
- Did their struggles or successes shape your childhood?
- How have these stories influenced your adult choices?
2. Family Structure
- Was your family traditional or nontraditional?
- Did you feel safe and loved at home, or did you avoid it?
- How did your upbringing shape your views on marriage and fidelity?
3. Parental Roles & Relationships
- How did your parents interact? Loving? Distant? Conflict-heavy?
- Did you fear or admire either parent?
- How has their relationship influenced your own?
4. Trauma & Change
- Did your family experience divorce, moves, or loss?
- How did these changes affect your sense of security?
- Do you see patterns from your past repeating in your marriage?
The Critical Role of Adolescence in Love & Identity
Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development highlights adolescence (ages 12-24) as a pivotal stage where we form our identity. During this time:
- Peer relationships become central
- Risk-taking increases (due to dopamine surges)
- We develop our sense of self and values
If this stage was marked by trauma—bullying, parental infidelity, neglect, or excessive criticism—it can lead to:
- Difficulty trusting others
- Struggles with honesty or self-worth
- Confusion about love and commitment
Frank’s Story: How Parental Infidelity Shaped His Choices
Frank grew up watching his father’s affair while his mother silently suffered. Though he vowed never to be like his dad, he unconsciously replicated the same pattern—having an affair with a coworker.
Key Takeaways from Frank’s Story:
- Unconscious modeling – Even when we reject our parents’ behavior, we may still follow their patterns.
- Silence breeds repetition – Avoiding difficult conversations (like his parents did) led to dishonesty.
- Recovery is possible – By facing his past, Frank could break the cycle and rebuild his marriage.
Connecting Childhood Wounds to Adult Relationships
Trauma—whether big (abuse, loss) or small (emotional neglect, constant criticism)—shapes how we love. These wounds often resurface in our closest relationships, especially after betrayal.
Reflection: Identifying Your Relational Patterns
Compare your childhood experiences with your current relationship:
1. How did your parents show affection?
- Is this similar to how you or your spouse express love?
2. How did they handle conflict?
- Do you avoid fights, explode, or shut down like they did?
3. Were their moods unpredictable?
- Do you or your partner struggle with emotional regulation?
Recognizing these patterns helps you:
- Break destructive cycles
- Communicate more openly
- Build a healthier relationship
Healing and Moving Forward
Recovering from infidelity isn’t about going back to how things were—it’s about creating something stronger. Here’s how:
- Acknowledge the past – Understand how family dynamics influenced you.
- Identify triggers – Recognize what activates old wounds.
- Communicate honestly – Replace silence with vulnerability.
- Rewrite your story – Choose new, healthier patterns.
“An unexamined past is destined to repeat itself.”
By exploring these deep-seated influences, you can heal not just your relationship, but yourself.
Next Steps:
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This post was previously published on Dr. Jeanne Michele’s blog.
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