At 17, I was in the woods at 4 a.m. with 20 of my friends — and my phone left behind in my bedroom. Definitely not my finest moment, but as a teen who was being tracked by Life360, it seemed like my only option.
With modern day technology comes a host of things to protect your teen from, but it also offers ways to protect them. Unlike your own parents, who had no idea where you were or how to contact you as a teen, you are in constant contact with your own teen and have the ability to track their every move. (In a recent survey of our SheKnows Teen Council, nearly 78 percent of respondents said that their parents keep tabs on them via location tracking, with almost half of those using Life360.) But is it too much? Is obsessively tracking your teen actually taking away their freedom during such a formative time?
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As a Gen Z-er who was digitally monitored throughout my teen years, here’s my opinion: While tracking is a great thing for your teen’s safety, as a parent you need to be careful just how closely you’re hovering. While my parents were never the type to overly obsess, I will say that their constant access to my day-to-day activities made me a sneakier kid. The summer after my junior year of high school I was in a small beach town with twenty of my best friends, our days filled with retail and restaurant jobs, tanning, swimming, and an intoxicating sense of freedom. We all lived with our families but were so caught up in the antics of a high school summer that we were rarely home and practically on our own—that is, of course, except for our phones. The tradeoff of such independence was that we had to be reachable at all times and had tracking apps since we weren’t updating our parents with every move.
I snuck out earlier that summer, only to be caught and grounded because my Life360 recognized when I got back home. So a few weeks later when my friend hosted a party at midnight and my entire friend group went, I knew how to avoid the punishment I was sure to get if caught. Either my phone got left behind or I did, and there was no way it was going to be me. In hindsight, I know that I was risking a lot. I had no way of contacting anyone if I needed help, no way of soothing my parents’ worries if they found me missing, and no way of navigating the pitch-black woods I was biking into. But it was either brave the outing sans technology or miss out on a fun summer night with my friends, and in my teenage brain, the choice was clear.
Now that I’m older, I’m allowed to come and go as I please and with that trust, my phone now comes with me. The moment my parents realized that I could handle the responsibility and make good decisions for myself was the moment I stopped being sneaky. They now actually know where I am, what I’m doing, and can contact me in an emergency, all because they relaxed their grip.
Your teenager understands that your first worry is protecting them and ensuring their safety, but the last thing you want is to put that in jeopardy by making them fall back on deceitful, risky behavior. I’m not telling you to stop tracking your teen, but I am telling you to be careful of being too strict or too hard on them. You do not want to be the parent they’re scared to come to when things go south. Be forgiving when you catch them in the occasional rebellious moment, because if you’re not, then next time they’ll make sure they won’t get caught. If there’s one thing you take away from this, it’s that strict parents make sneaky kids — and a sneaky kid is an unsafe one.
It can be difficult to find the sweet spot between being too relaxed and being a helicopter parent, but I promise you it will be a whole lot easier if you talk to your teen. I asked three 16-year-olds where their parents fell on the spectrum, and if they agreed with the phrase “strict parents make sneaky kids.”
Kaya answered, “I think my parents are strict on some things, but for parties or something, they’re not, and that’s what I’m most mature in actually … [where] I have the most boundaries for myself.” Clive said his ‘very chill’ parents didn’t set many boundaries, which benefited him in the long run. “I think that teaches you to set your own boundaries, which is a lot more valuable,” he told me. “If you have a curfew from very young and you’re told you can’t do anything, you’re gonna want to actually break those boundaries. But if they’re not set for you, you kind of learn morally how those things are right.”
Joris, whose parents also didn’t impose many rules, said their relaxed and trusting approach made him more likely to listen when they did draw the line. “My parents are more chill and don’t put a lot of restrictions on stuff, so when they actually do put restrictions on things, I think I definitely listen more, or I’m more open to listening, because they’re normally cool with what I do.” So while some parents prefer to set every guideline for their kids, the teens I spoke with agreed that it’s better for them to figure out their own beliefs, boundaries, and practices without their parents’ interference.
Gen Z has made clear that they are ready for independence — and parents, while that realization is hard to confront, you must let them learn to succeed and fail on their own. Simply put, being too strict is just as harmful for your teen’s future as not being strict enough. Find the middle ground by talking to your teen, and be the parent who can loosen the reins sometimes.
I was lucky enough to have parents that were readily available to me, but who quickly understood that there were things that I would need to learn on my own, through my own mistakes. If your teen is anything like the teens I spoke to, they are more than capable and ready to regulate their own lives. Just sit back and wait for them to find you when they need you.
Interested in joining our Teen Council or learning more? Email us at teencouncil@shemedia.com.
