What Living In A Sexless Marriage Taught Me

Let’s talk honestly: when you’ve been married a while, life has a way of crowding out the spark. Between careers, kids, aging parents, hormones, and exhaustion, intimacy often takes a back seat. I know. I lived in a sexless marriage for nine years.

But here’s the truth: sex doesn’t just disappear — it quietly fades into the background when we stop feeding it. And for women in their late 30s to 50s, the silence around this issue can be isolating. If you’re craving intimacy again, I want to tell you it’s possible — and worth fighting for.

Start With Small Sparks

For me, it began with thigh-high stockings.

Something about sliding on a silky pair made me feel sexy again — powerful, alive, and connected to the version of myself I’d almost forgotten. My partner loved the feel of them too. I’ll never forget the look on his face the first time I surprised him wearing them. That tiny choice opened the door to something more.

The truth is, you don’t need lingerie if that’s not your thing. Maybe it’s soft cotton, a bare shoulder, or even just a confident text message. The point is to rediscover what makes you feel attractive — not for anyone else, but for you.

Sexting Isn’t Just for the Young

You don’t have to be 25 to send a flirty message. Between “Can you pick up dog food?” and “The plumber’s coming at 3,” slip in something that says, I still see you and you still turn me on. Remind your partner that they are more than a co-parent or housemate. That you are still looking at them like you did from day one.

I do this often. Sometimes it’s sweet — other times, spicy. A recent favorite? “Take your shower and stay naked until I get home. I’ll be there soon to kiss you from your lips to your toes, with a few delicious stops in between.” It works. (PS: We have some sexting templates here to get you started.)

Kissing Is Underrated

When was the last time you had a good 10 minute plus make out session — no agenda, no rush?

Long, slow kissing is one of the most intimate and forgotten tools in a long-term relationship. Nibbling, laughing, exploring each other’s lips like you’re just getting to know them again — it’s endorphin-boosting, stress-reducing magic.

Find the Romance in the Routine

Cook together. Fold laundry side by side. Dance in the kitchen.

It’s not about making grand gestures — it’s about reclaiming the little moments. When I am standing next to my partner chopping vegetables, I’ll wrap my arms around him and kiss the back of his neck. Often, he turns around and gives me that look. Intimacy can start with a sweet gesture by the dishwasher.

Speak Up — Kindly and Clearly

The biggest shift came when I stopped expecting him to read my mind.

“I’d love it if you kissed my neck more.”
 “I miss making out like we used to.”
 “I like oral more than intercourse — can we play around with that?”

If you want the sex back, you have to talk about it — even if it feels awkward at first. Communicating about sex isn’t just practical. It’s sexy when done with tenderness and curiosity.

Learn Together (Yes, Even From YouTube)

At one point, I was curious how to make oral more comfortable and fun. That curiosity led me to a YouTube channel called AskMyGirlfriend. My partner and I watched it together and discovered something called “come here fingers.” I’ll just say — G-spot orgasms do exist and sex will never be boring again.

There are resources out there that aren’t creepy or intimidating. Just real people helping real couples. And watching together? Surprisingly hot.

Reconsider Porn — On Your Terms

Porn isn’t for everyone, but it’s also not inherently bad. Watching on your own can help you rediscover what excites you — then, if you feel comfortable, invite your partner in. There’s ethical, female-focused, and even educational erotica out there. You’re allowed to explore. Hey, that’s how I learned to do some pretty magical things with my feet in silk stockings.

Final Thoughts

If you’re reading this and thinking, But that doesn’t sound like us anymore, I want to tell you: it can be again. It takes effort, vulnerability, and sometimes, creativity. But you deserve to feel wanted, desired, and fully alive in your relationship.

Because life is too short for cold sheets and silent bedrooms.

Before you go, check out our list of 69 (nice) must-try sex positions: