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Are You Obsessing Over Someone? Here’s How to Regain Your Calm
David. David, the girl I’m seeing, she’s sitting over there right now.
“How are you contacting me?”
“We’re making a new video, remember?”
“Right. Right.”
“Look, she’s working right across from me. She hasn’t texted me back since our last date. If I go over there, I don’t want there to be this weird tension. Like, I know she hasn’t texted me back, which I obviously do.”
“Matt, you live together. That’s Audrey. It’s your wife.”
“Yes, I know. That’s what makes it so awkward. If she doesn’t end up being into me, we’re going to have to run into each other every day. And I’m pretty sure she likes me. We had a child together, and she sends me all these signals. Last week she asked me to regrout the roof, and she watches all of my Instagram Stories.”
“Look, dude, it’s all good. You’ve kind of got this locked in. Just play it cool.”
“I can’t, Dave. This woman is the light that filters through the clouds of my tumultuous mind.”
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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Why We Obsess Over Someone We Like
Are you like me, anxiously obsessing over someone right now?
Well, stay tuned because I promise you, by the end of this video, both you and I will have exhaled, relaxed our shoulders, and regained a sense of calm.
I remember these feelings well. I’m having them right now.
We just want to enjoy liking someone. But the nauseating reality for so many of us is that the moment we like someone, we begin to obsess.
We decode every emoji, every text, every silence. Every second you’re not talking to them is spent thinking about them or when you’ll see them next.
And then, if you feel them pulling away, you invest even harder.
Very quickly, a potent mix of connection, attraction, and fear balls up in our stomach into a giant knot that slowly becomes the center of our existence.
None of this is voluntary. We didn’t wake up one day and decide, “I like this person,” and then add an item to our to-do list: Start obsessing.
It crept in through the back door and slowly took us over until we couldn’t think about anything else.
Which is why, in this video, I want to give you an actual conscious framework and four practical steps to stop obsessing, regain your sense of control, and find your peace.
The Fear Beneath the Obsession
We need to start from a place of realizing that we already had pre-existing fears prior to meeting this person.
We may have been afraid that we’re going to end up alone, that we’re never going to meet anybody, or that we’re not enough.
When this person came along, the fears didn’t start with them. They activated fears that were already there.
But they didn’t just activate them. They became the solution to those fears.
This person becomes the solution to ending up alone, the solution to having a family, the solution to finally feeling worthy.
And that’s dangerous because we stop relating to them as an actual person we’re assessing. Instead, we start relating to what this person is going to save us from.
That is where the obsession really starts.
Meet Your Inner Bodyguard
So, in our fear, someone shows up. I call them the bodyguard.
Our bodyguard learned a long time ago a certain set of techniques for managing fear and controlling the situation.
“They haven’t texted back. I’m scared.”
“I know you are. Stay focused, Matthew. You have to hold it together.”
The bodyguard has many techniques.
It says:
- Do more.
- Get them.
- Don’t lose this.
- Be whoever they need.
The bodyguard obsesses, overinvests, rushes, tries to impress, chases, and secures.
Maybe someone doesn’t reply for a few hours and suddenly you’re thinking:
“I’m not that important.”
“They’re losing interest.”
“I’m about to be abandoned.”
That’s the vulnerable part of you.
Then the bodyguard jumps in, checking your phone, rereading messages, and trying to craft the perfect follow-up text.
Or you meet someone impressive and start thinking:
“They’re out of my league. I have to prove myself.”
Before you know it, the bodyguard has you over-agreeing, performing, and prioritizing them over yourself.
One part of you is scared.
The other part tries to solve that fear by securing this person.
The problem is that, in the process, you lose yourself.
The CALM Method
Our job is to notice when the bodyguard shows up and realize that this is exactly when the vulnerable part of us needs a wise parent to step in.
I have a four-step method for doing this called the CALM Method.
C — Connect With Yourself
The first letter is C: Connect with yourself.
Imagine the moment when the vulnerable part of you realizes that you like someone.
The bodyguard immediately says, “I’m going to find you, and when I do, I’m going to do everything in my power to win you over.”
That’s when the wise voice has to step in and say:
“Whoa. No, you won’t, Liam Neeson.”
This wise voice is the adult in the room.
It puts an arm around that child and asks:
“What’s happening, friend? What’s going on?”
Then it listens.
The most important part is compassion. You’re not questioning yourself with judgment. You’re trying to understand where these obsessive feelings are coming from.
Your job is to seek out that vulnerable child and show them that they are capable.
You are the adult in the room. You can be a source of healing for yourself.
That wiser voice might say:
“Hey, you were okay before you met this person. You’ve survived being alone before. You’ve been hurt before and got through it. So why are we acting like this one person determines everything?”
A — Anchor Your Value in Yourself
The next letter is A: Anchor your value in yourself.
I love the idea of home.
The real home we live in is not the four walls we sleep inside. It’s us—the walls of our body and the walls of our mind.
That’s the home we take everywhere.
A key question to ask yourself is:
How safe do I feel in this home?
When we obsess over someone, we’re looking for safety in them instead of ourselves.
We’ve made them our home.
That’s why we feel unstable and anxious. Home suddenly becomes something that can be taken away.
But when we connect with ourselves and practice compassion, we build a safer home within ourselves.
Everyone else is only ever rented.
The home we own is us.
We are the asset—not the other person.
L — Loosen the Story
The third letter is L: Loosen the story you have about them.
The story is the thing we hold onto that says, “This person is so important.”
Our job is to depersonalize the feeling.
Realize that you’ve probably felt this way about other people before.
If obsession is a pattern whenever you like someone, then the obsession is the common denominator—not this person.
That means you can decouple the feeling from the person.
The feeling is real.
The meaning your mind is attaching to this person may not be.
It helps to have a sense of humor.
Your bodyguard is not your enemy. It’s trying to protect you—just badly.
When your bodyguard says:
“If we lose them, we’ll never meet anyone like them again.”
The wiser voice can answer:
“You’re right. We’ll never survive this if this person leaves us. Our life is effectively over because someone we met three weeks ago is now the center of our universe.”
Sometimes exposing the absurdity helps loosen the grip.
M — Move Slowly
The final letter is M: Move slowly.
I often say that choosing wrong is slower than going slow.
If you move fast with the wrong person, it’s slower than taking your time.
A lot is lost in love by going too fast.
Your heart, your feelings, and your judgment can all end up in jeopardy.
Be present with the person in front of you.
Let the story unfold organically so you can actually measure compatibility instead of getting swept away by insecurity and urgency.
Slow down enough to appreciate whether you should even want this person.
Remind yourself:
“I don’t actually know this person that well.”
Even if you’ve known them for years, you may not know what it’s like to be in a long-term relationship with them.
That unknown is often where projection lives.
Moving slowly protects your heart without shutting it down.
Final Thoughts
The CALM Method is not about suppressing your feelings.
It’s about not letting your feelings make your decisions for you.
In other words, it’s not anti-emotion. It’s pro-agency.
The goal is not to stop feeling.
The goal is to stop losing yourself when you feel.
The CALM Method helps you reconnect with yourself, remember that you’re capable of navigating life without any one person’s approval, and stay present instead of letting obsession rule the day.
Everything I’ve shared today is only a small part of the deeper work I do at my yearly retreat.
Let me know how this video spoke to you in the comments below. I love reading your comments.
And I will see you again next week.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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