Welcome to Einstein’s Odyssey, Episode Seven. This is the seventh of eight episodes in a series written for men. You may read the introduction here.
One of the most severe challenges for men approaching commitment to a beloved partner is delivering on what we may call mature intimacy. When a man makes a sincere commitment to a beloved partner, he is expected to do so with maturity and confidence. Certainly his romantic partner would expect this, assuming that they have achieved a similar level of maturity. We are talking about intimacy in the broad sense of the word.
Mature intimacy involves an honest emotional connection, deep trust, and mutual respect for the challenges the couple is expected to navigate together. It also involves vulnerability and acceptance. Simply communicating true love requires a reasonable degree of maturity and vast confidence. Arriving at this moment, ideally a man would have conquered childhood traumas and past relationship failures, and would have come around to recognizing that surviving is merely a shadow of full-on thriving.
But then, this is not how life goes for some of us. Sometimes emotional maturity is an outgrowth of a beloved relationship. Weak coping mechanisms like denial do not hold up to the scrutiny of both partners, and are replaced with more mature, thoughtful and effective means of coping with life’s challenges. In many domains, the beloved couple can become trusted mirrors for each other, and offer mutual support for positive growth.
Let us offer a starter set of questions designed to inspire readers to think about their readiness for a committed beloved relationship.
- Have you discussed your self-perceived flaws with your prospective beloved?
- Are you ready to discuss feelings and emotions with your beloved?
- Have you noticed that the two of you can transition from argument to reasonable discussion?
- Do you respect your partner’s wish to continue his or her social life outside of the beloved relationship?
- Are you ready to respect your beloved’s personal boundaries?
Taken together these are some of the questions that form the basis of true love. Beloved relationships are always about true love, although interpretations of the latter vary. This brings us to love languages and reconciling yours with your partner’s. Consider for example bids for connection. We will assume that communication between beloved partners has evolved to the point where both parties are comfortable and at ease.
Bids for connection are interactions that most partner-couples develop as their own private shorthand. A bid is a subtle request for emotional connection. Bids can be smooth and sexy, abrupt and functional, or just a simple question. “Are you making dinner tonight?” “Look at those lovely flowers in the garden.” A wordless brush of a hand resting on a shoulder. Couples express bids in many tiny, almost imperceptible ways. So for a new couple, this may take some practice.
Bids are a fascinating aspect of the beloved relationship because they directly indicate the health of that relationship. Equally important to expressing a bid is how your partner responds. Relationship researchers have identified three ways a partner may response:
- Turning towards, or acknowledging the bid
- Turning away, or ignoring or missing the bid
- Turning against, or rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way
Obviously the best strategy is “turning towards” or accepting the bid and acknowledging that a response is needed. But in real life, sometimes bids are missed and a partner “turns away” without even realizing that a bid was made. Couples can work together to improve this scenario. Also obvious is the last and worst option, “turning against,” which amounts to rejection.
Similarly, touch may have its own set of meanings depending on the kind of touch, the context, and the level of understanding the couple has developed. Coming by for a simple hug. Holding hands on a walk. Touching your partner’s hand lightly. A quick kiss on the lips. Snuggling skin-to-skin as a prelude to sex. Couples learn the meanings and limits of touching and generally get it right.
But sometimes misfires occur and a partner may indicate or whisper “Not now honey.” These are indirect tests of each partner’s confidence and trust, or in other words, how quickly the couple can recover from a small slight.
The real test for you and your beloved is how open each of you is to accepting and responding to bids, touch, or many other subtle gestures. Even if you just demonstrate a willingness to practice and learn, your response communicates positive feedback to your partner and a warm feeling of connection.
The emotionally mature man may exhibit a full range of emotions. Expressing emotions for him may consist of tone of voice, crying, a desire to be alone (unless this is a standard coping action), a sad expression, or dancing with joy. These kinds of expressions are greatly evolved over traditional men whose only expressed emotion was anger. But the question frequently heard today is this: Is the man’s beloved partner ready to accept this range of emotional expression? Or does the partner pull back and feel disgusted that a man would be found dancing across the kitchen?
Of course sexual activity is another domain of loving connection. Most critical here is compatibility and the willingness to learn. Most mature partners understand that each individual has his or her most intense forms of touch and that every body is different. But more subtle are the many gestures related to the sexual encounter. Snuggling skin-to-skin, running your fingers lightly across a partner’s body, massaging their feet, and so many others. The beloved couple will be willing to learn these subtle gestures as well as the forms of intense touching that help the partner to relax and enjoy the moment.
Lastly, most men will do well to maintain a social life outside of the beloved partnership. Sustaining quality man time with your friends is an important outlet for a man’s identity and a healthy break from the demands of most beloved relationships. In many cases, both partners will continue enjoying time with each of their friend groups. This can keep beloved relationships healthy by spreading around partners’ social needs. It is almost always a mistake to load all of your social needs onto a beloved partner.
A brief word for people with “loner” personalities. Contrary to popular belief, it is not unusual for a loner to be partnered in a beloved relationship. The only real difference is that she or he may seek alone time in lieu of socializing with friends, or enjoy a mixture of the two. Mature intimacy is flexible and adaptable, and with a little practice, becomes very good at going with the flow.
